28 Pieces of Really Lousy Advice on my 28th Birthday

A neon sign that says 'Simply a Misunderstood Genius'

As I turn 28, I have great words of wisdom for my younger ones about how to maintain a good life while being entirely hateful towards yourself.

  1. Don’t waste time cooking. It’s called fast food for a reason – it saves time.
  2. If you’re not thirsty, you don’t need to drink water. Unless you contract a UTI.
  3. Stay in toxic relationships. Unless you get cancer. That’s a good excuse and people sympathise with you more.
  4. Leave your busy friends alone. You’ll have plenty of time when you retire and check in to the same retirement home woohoo
  5. Never visit the dentist. They are just glorified doctors anyway.
  6. Assign your self worth to milestones in life like getting promotions, closing deals, and passing exams.
  7. Always be available for others, no matter what. From random acquaintances to parents, everyone should be prioritised over yourself.
  8. Pay for a gym membership and never go. That will show them.
  9. Feelings are for the weak. Geniuses are rational. Invalidate your feelings and be a robot so you can get more done.
  10. Never get full body medical checkups. They are a sham. (Also, ignorance is bliss)
  11. Carefully craft all that you say. Before you speak, always make a detailed analysis of all the possible responses.
  12. Despite your degrees and achievements, remember that you are a fraud and are most likely to be caught. Be careful.
  13. Don’t get therapy. Mental health is for crazy people. Self help is the best help.
  14. Always ask for feedback. When someone offers a critique, take it personally.
  15. The best way to judge people is by the music they listen to, the movies they watch, and the books they read.
  16. You don’t need insurance. Nothing’s gonna happen.
  17. Take advantage of your subordinates at work. Use your power to manipulate and invalidate them so that you always stay at the top.
  18. Have your phone with you AT ALL TIMES – sleeping eating peeing pooping working. You need to know what’s happening in the world.
  19. Be yourself. If people say that your behaviour is problematic, block them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
  20. You don’t need to exercise unless a doctor prescribes it for you.
  21. Don’t let your beliefs and values change. If it does, it means that you didn’t have any real character.
  22. Define yourself by your career. It’s very easy and you’ll also be motivated enough to keep a job
  23. Get advice only from successful people. Apply their methods verbatim, even if your circumstances are different. Go for that CEO morning routine and get your life together.
  24. Know that you achieve everything in life through your hard work, sweat and grit. Your caste, class, race, gender or sexuality has nothing to do with your achievements. There may be many people who get by with their privilege, but not you.
  25. Be dedicated to your work and hustle hard. Don’t take days off, unless you are hospitalised.
  26. Stop attempting to save money. Life is difficult as it is and you can barely get by.
  27. Once you find work, stay focussed. Stop learning new things and finding new hobbies. Refer #21
  28. Always multitask. Chrome has multiple tabs, and phones have interruptive notifications because that’s how you stay at peak performance.

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